Coffee & Dreams #2

From July 2005

Do ya’ll ever have dreams that you sense are meant to teach you something? I had one two nights ago. I woke with a start just as the worst was about to happen.

In the dream, the little junker car I was driving was tipping sideways and sinking into bubbling mud that filled the ditch by the road. Here is what led up to that.

In the dream I was given a bunch of toys, stuffed animals, kids clothes and I knew of a particular family in need. I was driving around, lost, trying to find that family. I stopped at one home to ask direction. I had to tiptoe across a muddy yard to the house. It was dark, the people there were poor, expressionless and hopeless. I asked for directions and the faces all just looked at me. So I walked back across the muddy yard, got into my car and tried to drive away in search of the ones in need - only to find myself tipping over and sinking into a bottomless pit of mud.

end of dream

Earlier that day Mom showed me a copy of a Times article about the woman who talked the rapist/murderer who held her captive into surrendering. One part of the article said she shared with him some from “A Purpose Driven Life”. I don’t remember the exact words but it was something about sharing or encouraging spontaneously when you see a need and that the opportunity to do so may not last. I’m sure that having that article on my mind had something to do with the dream. In the dream, I was blind to the need so obvious right in front of me.

I have a friend who has been to Africa once, and her husband has been twice, to minister to and help people with building churches. She is anxious to go again and has been upset that our work schedule has gotten in the way. I know some are meant to go to Africa to witness and help those people and I’m not against that but I know there are many closer to home in need. Anyway, this dream just spoke to me. As I go through each day I need to be watchful for those in need and then to actually do something.

So I’m glad for the dream. And okay…I’ll try…but I may need to step outside my comfort zone!

Today's comment on this many moons old dream -

Last weekend I got to help. To do so, I had to step outside my comfort zone twice. I stopped at a convenience store for drinks and snacks on my way to soccer games. A lady and small child were having car trouble...I know nothing about cars but my first clue was hood up, smoke pouring from engine, the lady pouring water over the engine to cool it off. The vehicle was an ancient and rusted GMC Jimmy. So I pondered - obviously I couldn't fix anything but I could offer to let her use my cell phone or give her some money toward the repair. I got up my nerve and approached her. "Looks like you are having trouble," I said. She probably thought she was dealing with a genius at that point. :-) She said yes and that her son had gone to get a part. So I peeked in and said hi to the little boy in the car. He was about 3 years old, wearing his pj's, playing with a cigarette. She didn't need the cell phone...and since the part was being purchased as we spoke, I felt odd to just offer her money. So I visited a minute, wished her luck and went inside and made my purchases. I walked out to my car and looked down at my change from a $20.00 bill. I put my bottled waters, diet coke, and twizzlers (for my grandkids) into the car and then walked back over to the woman. I gave her the change and told her they could get something to drink while they waited. She asked the little fellow if he wanted a drink and thanked me. They waved goodbye to me and walked into the store as I drove off. Yea!

Now, we are supposed to do good deeds anonymously. And I did. Feels a little weird to write about it but I'm not seeking glory. Just reminding myself, and sharing with anyone who reads this, about the importance of responding spontaneously to needs of others.

Coffee and Dreams #1

Last night I had at least two dramatic dreams...disturbing dreams that were symbolic. I must credit the title, Coffee and Dreams, to Sis. When we took a family vacation a few summer ago she suggested we sit on the patio in the morning, enjoy our coffee and share our dreams. Sis enjoys prompting me to find meaning in my dreams and will offer some ideas of what they might mean.

Painting - Java Girl, watercolor. I thought it would fit with the Coffee & Dreams post.

Dream 1 - I had murdered someone and gratefully the details of the murder and my incarceration that followed were non-existent. I just knew it had happened and that I'd been in prison. When I was released I was involved in a fatal car accident for which I again paid my dues. When I got out of prison that time, I saw myself sitting with family. Then I was aware of a spell being cast on a stone statue on a building. It was a figure with a bow and arrow. The figure was able to move, fly, and send the arrow to kill me. I was aware of that as it happened and turned and told family members to shield the little children from what was about to happen to me. The feeling I had was that my execution was further punishment for my misdeeds/sins.

Whew...heavy, huh?

Dream 2 - Our church had burned and so many of us were transported or traveled to another town and were being put up at a church there. With me were several people including someone familiar and 4 strangers who we were helping...who ended up disappearing from the church with the vintage vehicle I drove. The dream seemed to go on and on. Most of the dream I was hurrying here and there and trying to find friends or family. Everyone, including friends from my work, had left the church without me. I'd see them in the distance, but by the time I'd get to that place, they would be gone again. I had a strong feeling of abandonment, fear, and desperation.

Whew...another heavy.

Maybe tonight I'll dream about rainbows and butterflies and lollipops.

AI tonight!

I'm not talking artificial intelligence. American Idol is on tonight and someone is going home.

Last night's episode featured Queen music - I don't think anyone came close to doing Queen justice but there were memorable perfomances all the same. Little blonde Kelly Pickler tried her hand at Bohemian Rhapsody. Taylor Hicks was so awesome and energetic - he did Crazy Little Thing Called Love. He was dancing all over the stage and having fun. I think those two were my favorites from last night. I thought that Bucky was the most improved last night and that Paris was hideous. My guess is that Bucky will go home tonight...well, okay, it isn't just a guess. I called and voted for Bucky three or four times last night and was able to get through each time. That is a bad sign. I also voted for Hicks and it was difficult to get through to votes, hence he is probably safe. Kelly Pickler - forgettaboutit. I tried to vote for her a number of times and never did get through. You go girl!

I had jury duty this morning...did my civic duty in about 10 minutes. They let us all go becuase all the cases on the docket settled. Drat. I would have liked to serve on a jury again. It has always been pretty fascinating.

Okay...Bucky was sent home. From what I understand though, the top 10 will get to go on American Idol tour this summer so Bucky's AI participation is not over.

Decisions

Sister struggles more with decision-making than I do. But this time I'm contemplating a doozy. A real life-changing decision. If I make the change it would be freeing and liberating...in a way. And it would be sad at the same time. I feel like I'd be stepping into the unknown and that is very frightening. I'm in my comfort zone with status quo. But Hubby asked this question yesterday "are you content and satisfied"? My answers were yes and no. I have been content the way things are but I would stop short of saying satisfied or fulfilled. But what if...what if...what if. There are so darn many 'what ifs'. In Anne Lamott's book, Bird by Bird, she indicated that the importance of freedom is being able to free others in turn. That spoke to me and helped me look at the situation from a less selfish point of view. But still the 'what ifs' surface along with the fear and uncertainty.

Today I remembered a line from a scene in the movie Paint Your Wagon. (yes...Clint Eastwood sings in this movie!) A Morman man with two wives enters a California mining camp during the gold rush. He has two beautiful wives, one with a baby, and he is short on money. So he offers the wife (who is not the babies mom) to the highest bidder. Ben Rumpsen (?), drunk as a skunk, manages to outbid all others and then passes out in the mud. The husband is shocked and has second thoughts. He asks Elizabeth if she is sure this is what she wants and cautions her that she doesn't know what she is getting into. She replies with a catty smile "I don't know what I'm getting...but I know what I've had." Her point was...an opportunity at something better was worth taking...an easy call. With that thought in mind I feel a glimmer of excitement and move closer to a decision.

Bird by Bird

After giving away several copies to fellow writers, I finally read Bird by Bird. Anne Lamott is the author and she made me laugh a lot and cry a little. The focus of the book is writing but Anne also speaks the truth about our sometimes wonderful, sometimes miserable existence. As I read I found myself making notes in the margins...she really cranked up my enthusiasm to get back to writing. I will read some of the authors that she quoted or referred to. This book is just too good to keep to myself so I'm sharing it with friends and family. And I think I will want to read through it again after Mom finishes with it. Maybe then I can post a few Anne Lamott quotes that were important to me.

Now I have started a novel she wrote - Blue Shoe. I am only on page 13 and so far the story is grim and disturbing. Hearing rats in walls kind of disturbing. But the blurb sounds good, it is a bestseller, and I loved Bird by Bird and Anne's writing philosophy. So...I'll forge on at least until the heroine Mattie finds the blue shoe.

Today was stressful at work but fortunately my job isn't stressful most days. I will have an abbreviated work week by at least a few hours since I have jury duty on Wednesday. My past experience with jury duty has varied from being kept for only two hours to being tied up for an entire week.

Hubby and I ate dinner at Outback and then I went to see Daughter and the Grandkids. I had a good visit there - Daughter is in nurse practitioner training and got to do a variety of interesting things today...numb up a toe and remove part of the toenail and give a mini-mental exam to another patient. When I got home I tried my hand at painting on silk. It was a lot of fun...my experimental first attempt is pretty cute but far from perfect. I had purchased two long silk scarves on ebay. I used Tulip paints to draw circles and leaves. Then I used Pebeo fabric paints, diluted with water, to do the painting. Some really nice effects and a few problems with bleeding from one area to another. One other tiny problem...the wax paper beneath the fabric was too small and so I painted my ironing board cover. Well, nothing disastrous. I am anxious to try it again tomorrow when I'm not so tired...I believe I'll try faces since that is something I'm very comfortable drawing. Of course, with the fabric paints I have on hand the characters I draw may have to be lavender-skinned aliens.

Chest pain

Monday morning, after a weekend trip to Vegas, I woke with a sick headache, took tylenol, ate breakfast, watched the morning news, and then got my list and went grocery shopping. I'd worked off about half my list when a jolt of pain hit me square in my chest. I put my hand to my heart and tried to breathe normally, thinking it would pass in a moment. It didn't pass so I decided to ignore it and hope it would go away...probably indigestion. (at which point I wondered if Cheerios and fruit could cause indigestion) The next item on my list was steak so I rolled my cart to the meat department. I picked up a package of ribeye steaks and examined the marbling while trying to ignore the pain in my chest and neck. Feeling more sick than well, and thinking that IF I had a heartattack I didn't want to be discovered with steaks in my shopping cart, I put them back in the cooler. I learned it is hard, if not down right impossible, to buy steaks while having chest pains. JUST in case I passed out, I jotted my symptoms on the back of my grocery list ...sharp, squeezing chest pain, sweating, neck pain. From there I made my way to the medicine aisle where I grabbed a box of children's aspirin. I tore open the box (being careful to preserve the barcode), twisted off the cap and popped 4 cherry chewables into my mouth. Sure enough, a minute or two later the pain subsided. I went to the pharmacy and took my blood pressure which was high but not dangerously high. I finished buying the groceries (yes, I paid for the children's aspirens and I did buy the steaks after all), unloaded at home and put away the perishables before calling Hubby.

He was concerned and had me talk to Daughter (who works with him and is a registered nurse). She asked me a battery of questions and then hesitated before saying "Mom, you are giving me all the wrong answers" and telling me to go to the ER. Five hours later I was sent on my merry way with instructions to get a referral to a cardiologist, have a stress test, and eat more bananas and avocados. (while at the store I had purchased bananas which is routine and an avocado which I rarely buy - my body was telling me something) My EKG was normal, the EBT showed I have a heart that an athlete would envy, and the labs showed all in the normal range except for low potassium.

I don't know if I should have gone or not...I felt rather silly sitting on a gurney in the ER, feeling and no doubt looking healthy. But family members and the ER doc reassured me that I did the prudent thing. So, I learned, or had the lesson reinforced, that one should not ignore chest pain. And what I observed about human nature is that our motivation to do the right thing (in this case avoid eating beef) often fades right along with the related pain.